I Am Special

We have already blogged that the #1 determining factor of your wife’s happiness in marriage is your “emotional connection” with her. If you miss that one, check it out.

The question us guys are asking now is – just, what the heck does that mean?

We don’t relate to each other that way, so it is difficult to grasp the concept. Basically connecting involves:

• getting to know her, and

• becoming more deliberate about expressing your love for her

Your wife is wired by God to be relational. Remember, she was made from man, not from the ground. God has given her a uniquely wonderful heart that desires to connect with you. She doesn’t want to connect rationally, statistically, or logically. She wants to talk. She wants to express emotion. She wants to process those emotions…..by talking through them. Trying to “land the plane” is futile – so, just thank God for her uniqueness, and enjoy the ride. Ask Him to help you become a better, more attentive listener.

* Talking takes time – your time – time away from stuff you want to do. That’s where sacrificial, Christ-like love comes in. We are to love her “as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her”. See that. We are to be willing to give ourselves up for her. That is God’s standard. So, we never get to do what we want? Not at all – actually the more you give her the time and attention she desires, the more readily she will encourage you to do the things you want. Isn’t that funny how that works? We embrace our role as servant-leader husbands, and God blesses us with more of the things we want in return. Reaping and sowing. “He who loves his wife, loves himself”….sound familiar?

* Talking takes energy. You know that desire to have a wife who desires you sexually, and sometimes even initiates sex? In a similar way, your wife wants her man to desire her – emotionally – and to sometimes initiate talking (connecting emotionally). Yes, that is odd for us to grasp – but it is nevertheless true. So, how about you reverse the role and take some time out of your work day, or evening tv programming to grab some time alone with your wife and just talk.

You actually did this before, remember – when you were falling in love? Ask her about her day. Ask her “real” questions about her job, her parents, her friends, etc. – and then LISTEN. Look her in the eyes, and actively listen to not only WHAT she says, but the emotion behind the words. Try follow- questions like:

How did that make you feel?

Is there anything I can do to help?

What needs to happen next?

Show that you are listening, and that you care about what she is saying. Don’t offer to fix anything. Don’t offer your sure-fire, logical solution (which makes perfect sense to you)….unless she specifically asks. Most of the time, she doesn’t want to talk to come to a conclusion or to fix the problem – she simply wants to process the issue/problem with you.

The Point?

The point is – one of the all-time, #1, ultimate ways of letting your wife know that she is indeed the most special person in your life, and that you really, really love her – is to take time out of your day to engage her in conversation. Not just the routine, how’re the kids, what’s for dinner kind of conversation – but conversation about her life – think emotions, like happy, sad, fearful, angry, anxious – and listen for them. She will love you for it, and God will bless you for it.

P.S. – talking with the TV on, or while you check and/or answer texts and emails does NOT count. Focus on her.

Guest host Dan

Our Divine Burden

As the head, it is he who is responsible for his wife, for their marriage and for their home. On him falls the care and protection of the family; he represents it to the outside world; he is its mainstay and comfort; he is the master of the house who encourages, punishes, helps, and comforts, and stands for it before God. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and papers from prison

These poignant words from one of our 20th century martyred brothers, remind us that we indeed carry a divine responsibility and burden to be the active “head” of our home. This headship in no way empowers us to become bullies, or dictators of our domain, but on the contrary, demands we follow Christ’s example by “giving ourselves up for” our wife. We are called of God to become Christ-like servant leaders of our wife and our home.

It is this writer’s contention that this call on our life demands we follow Christ in two important areas – protection and provision. As head of our household it is our privilege, and mandate to take the primary responsibility to be the protector and provider in our home. As always, He set the standard for us by initiating both of these for us, His bride.

Protector – The Bible is very clear that Christ voluntarily left His throne in heaven, His kingdom and reign, to be born a mere human infant. He humbled Himself even to the point of death at the hands of men whom He had created – all in order that we might be spared the wrath of Almighty God. He “bore our sin”. He “became a curse for us”. He stood in our place. He took our punishment and pain. He protected us. Because we deserved it? Because we did anything for Him first? Not at all. He did it because He loved us that much. As husband to the church, He took the responsibility and the initiative to lay down His life for us. We are commanded to do the same for our bride.

Provider – In Ephesians 5:28-29, we are told to “nourish and cherish” our bride in the same way Christ does His. It is interesting to me that these are action verbs, not passive nouns. We men have a tendency to throw out a few “I love you’s” and think that is enough for our wives to flourish or to meet God’s standard of care. Genesis 45 tells the story of Joseph taking the initiative to care for (“provide”) his brothers during the famine. In the same way, husbands are to take the initiative to make sure the needs of his wife and children are met. I would also add, that these needs do not only mean their physical needs, but their emotional and spiritual as well.

The word “cherish” is used only one other time, by Paul, in I Thess. 2:7 where he describes his love for this people to a mother caring for her infant. This is the type of tender care that would do anything for her child. A passionate love that nurtures, feeds and meets needs in someone who cannot yet articulate them.

There is so much more that God requires of us as husbands. An impossible task indeed. Much like Christ’s impossible task. And, like Him, we cannot do any of it on our own. In the same way Jesus was desperate to meet with, and hear from, His Father on a daily basis – we are impotent if we try to lead, protect and provide without His divine leadership, wisdom, power and grace.

“Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15).

We have a divine calling. A divine burden that can only be carried as we lock arms with Jesus each and every day.

Huz

Dialogue

Do you enjoy a genuine, exciting, growing relationship with Jesus? Is your prayer life a dialogue or monologue? Do you really know Christ as a person, or are you content to know about Him?

According to recent Barna research, over 90% of Protestant Americans claim to have prayed in the last seven days. The same survey concluded that 54% read their Bible and 52% attended church in that same time span.

Don’t know about you, but those figures make me sad. What are we missing by not bounding out of our slumber and running to meet with the God of the universe every single day? What does He want to share with us? What does He want to show us about life, marriage, work, raising our kids or our true purpose on this planet?

How it must break His heart that we are so self-indulgent and independent that our sleep, or television show is a higher priority. The sin of the Eden was that of independence – choosing to go our own way and do life the way we want to and the heck with God’s ideas. It seems we haven’t really progressed much since then.

JI Packer – God guides us as we think things out in His presence.

Psalm 16:11 tells us that in His presence is fullness of joy.

Any of us need some joy? What about wisdom, or guidance or strength? It’s not rocket science. Our Father is waiting patiently to give us “all things”, if we would but listen to him and follow. He promises that if we will seek Him first, and His kingdom, that all the other things we need will be added unto us.

Seek is a verb. Seeking is a choice. He longs for time with each of us. He longs for us to experience His kingdom on earth as it is in heaven – Now.

Let’s pray that we will become more deliberate in our choosing to draw near to Him, listen to His voice and follow Him. Let’s pray that we will experience His manifest presence in our daily lives and that He will rock our world.

Like Moses (Exodus 3) we must choose to turn aside to experience His presence.

Don’t miss another day……………

Huz

Marriage Killers

As husbands, we can all agree that marriages are under attack. Our own marriage is under attack. The enemy hates marriage, and especially marriages that are really working – really making progress – really glorifying God.

Our marriage is a physical and tangible example/model of Christ and His bride (the church). Whenever our marriage makes headway in doing what it was intended to do – Satan ramps up his assault against us in order to get our eyes off of Christ and onto our mate, or our problems, or anything he can to keep us limping along – bringing glory to no one.

During our marriage seminar last weekend, we discussed several “marriage killers” that the enemy uses to destroy or severely damage our relationship with our wife. See if you recognize any of these. If so – would you share what you do to combat them, or head them off at the pass?

Maybe what you share will help another husband avoid getting caught in Satan’s trap, or lift him out of such a snare right now. What has God taught you about avoiding, or battling these “killers”……….

* “Life’s about me” attitude (expectations, “I deserve it’s”)

* Spiritual apathy (not walking with Christ)

* Physical exhaustion – over-commitment (no face time with wife)

* Boredom / routine (no adventure in your marriage)

* Lack of sexual intimacy

* Lack of a shared vision/mission for your marriage

Love Means……

Following with the theme of “what God requires of us as husbands”, the primo verse has to be Ephesians 5:25, where God calls us/commands us to “love our wives as Christ loved the church”. The logical question to follow is – how did Christ love the church?

Ephesians goes on to say, “and gave Himself up for her”. Okay, so what does that look like? As you know, Christ humbled Himself and left His deity in heaven to come to earth to redeem all of us back to a right relationship, a personal, intimate relationship with God. In order to do that He had to “humble Himself, even to the point of death”, “take upon Himself the heart of a servant”, and live his life in complete dependence on the Father. He said, “I can do nothing unless the Father in me does the work”.

He sacrificed everything – for his church, his bride – for us. So, where does that leave you and me with the original question? What are you and I doing to love our wife, “as Christ loved the church”? Are we humbling ourselves? Are we dying to ourselves and our “rights’ and agendas? Are we serving? Are we at the place where we are desperate to hear from God because we don’t have a clue what to do next?

Fortunately, God didn’t leave us alone and powerless to figure this out on our own. We have the same resources Jesus had when He was loving the church down here on earth. We have a very real and present Father Who has all the wisdom, power, patience, and resources we can ever need. We have the Holy Spirit inside us to “guide us into all truth” and empower us every minute of every day. The trick is – do we avail ourselves of these resources – like Jesus did?

Do we rise “a great while before day” to seek His wisdom and strength? Do we pull away from the hustle and bustle to “be still” and hear His voice guiding us, telling what what to do, what to say, what to not say…?

As the leader of our home, it is up to us to set the tone and atmosphere in our home. We will also be held accountable for how we do it. Scary isn’t it. We all need to pray for each other – sharpen each other – disciple each other – in the most important mission of life. Remember…..

Your marriage will be as fulfilling as is your walk with Jesus!

Huz