Why Sex is So Important.

Nearly every time a marriage survey is taken, whether to determine why people get divorced, or why they stay together, it seems that having a healthy sex life (or the lack thereof) is near the top of the husband’s list.

The overwhelming majority of husbands would agree that regular sexual intimacy is a top need in their lives. But why? Why is this such a dominant issue for men?

I don’t have to tell you (guys) that the primary reason is biological. Our God-created physiology creates a physical need for regular sexual release. If this need isn’t satisfied, we are less emotionally engaged with our wife, more emotionally tuned out to her needs and the needs of our family, and just overall – quite irritable. We are also much more susceptible to sexual temptation. Yes, we have choices to make, and are totally responsible for making the right or wrong ones – but the physical pressures are still very real.

The second reason is that we, like our wives, have a real need to connect emotionally with our wife. While the world tends to write us off as sex-starved cavemen – we are also endowed by the Creator with a deep emotional need to be loved, desired and connected to our spouse.

Shaunti Feldhahn’s best-selling book For Women Only underscores the fact that sex has a deep emotional impact on men. Feldhahn interviewed several hundred married men about different aspects of marriage. Not surprisingly, sex dominated their expressed needs and desires.

Perhaps the unexpected twist to her findings was the men’s feelings behind their sexuality. The vast majority of men indicated that being sexually fulfilled in marriage significantly impacted their confidence and their masculinity. Seventy-seven percent agreed with this statement: “If my wife was an interested and motivated sex partner, it would give me a greater sense of well-being and satisfaction with life.”

Both men and women have strong emotional needs for intimacy. The act of sex remains the primary response that gives men the feelings of closeness, caring and romance that they greatly need. That is why the great majority of men would say they don’t just want an unemotional, “let’s get this over with” experience in bed. Their emotional needs are not automatically met by having a physical release. Men desperately need to know that their wife desires them, finds them attractive and gets great satisfaction through sexual intimacy. Her love, expressed through sexual intimacy, gives him a sense of well-being like nothing else can.

Here are two important reasons why sex is so important in a husband’s world. Yes, sex and intimacy are significant to wives too, but we’re taking this space to talk with the guys.

Agree? Disagree? Want to share your comments? We’re here to learn from each other, so fire away.

Wives – we would learn much from hearing from you too.

On the journey,



About Rob

Married to my high school sweetheart for 40 years. Blessed to be a frequent speaker at marriage and men's conferences, retreats and seminars. Author of 4 books on marriage. Check out resources at allinmariage.org.

11 responses to “Why Sex is So Important.

  1. JT

    Did you know that the greatest minds and contributors to this world have used their sex-drive to create? Yes, not just procreation! It is taking that desire and pushing it in a masterful direction… It is here for us human beings to motivate us to a higher level. Sure, sex is great but, it is not the entire reason for being here. Use the power of that sex energy to go beyond the excuses of my partner doesn’t give me enough. Go change the world!

  2. Mark L

    Very good post. My wife and I have been married 10 years (October!) and I’ll admit that the first few years, she had much more of a sex drive than I did (I can point to depression, unemployment, sexual guilt) but now, I’m 45, my doc says I need to be on testosterone, and THAT has made a wonderful change in my drive. However, now, with 2 kids, my wife’s drive is now flat, and you described it perfectly…she’s more of the “let’s get this over with” type now, no adventure, and that just hurts. I want her to E N J O Y it too, and I ask her what I can do to help. But she is now wired differently and I’m praying we can come to some kind of middle ground.

  3. Curt

    Good post! Thanks.

  4. candace

    I appreciate this article, however I feel it pertains more to me than my husband. Of the two of us, my need for sexual intimacy are more intense than his. We are faithful to each other and our marriage, and my husband does not have any health issues. He just does not desire sex as much as I do. This seems so backwards, especially in our male-driven society, and this does affect my esteem, how I perceive he sees me.

    Do you have and advice for wives in my situation?

    • Thanks for the comment Candace. Many men have low testosterone levels which can lower their sex drive. This can be checked out by a doctor. There could also be other emotional stresses or anxieties going on in his head too, which can have the same effect. Even if he has a lesser need for sex, he stills has a need for emotional closeness with you, and needs to know you love him, believe in him and want to be with him.
      Biblically, each spouse has a responsibility to meet the sexual needs of the other (See I Cor. 7), and I would ask him to prayerfully consider that on your behalf. Mainly – I would advise you to pray and see what God leads you to do. Thanks again.

    • Paul Kroger

      Candice, my heart goes out to you and your husband. I agree with Rob’s comments and would add that most couples will find it nearly impossible to see any significant change in their relationship apart from accountability. If you live in the Little Rock area I’d be happy to connect with the two of you. I pastor at Fellowship Bible Church.

      Paul Kroger

    • Kelly Ifland

      I too feel the same way! We have a great marriage, granted we haven’t been married long, but if I feel this way now. I am a little nervous for the future(on the sex part not our marriage). I am always the one to iniate it. We have sex maybe twice a week. I would like it more or I guess i would like him to think about it and not make me iniate it! How do I do this?

  5. Tammy

    Wow so true, love da post.

  6. Paul Kroger

    Rob, you’re right on target with this post (as usual)! Satan has had a field day with having wives accuse their husbands as sex-craved, one-dimensional, singularly-focused, self-gratifying jerks. No doubt we as men have added credence to this perception, but that’s left us with an unhealthy stereotype that brings death, not life, to our marriage.


  7. kris bush

    I agree with this article. From what I noticed my hubby seems much happier & confident when we are sexually intimate more often than not. And for that reason I enjoy being sexually intimate with him more often than not. Just seeing his confidence soar makes me happy.

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