Intimacy Secrets?

I read with interest today’s (July 26th) blog post on my friend Julie Sibert’s blog, Intimacy in Marriage.com. Today’s post was titled – What Your Husbands are Telling Me about Your Sex Life. In it she recounts many of the numerous comments left by husbands on her blog regarding their sex lives with their wives. In all fairness, she also hears from sexually frustrated wives whose husbands don’t seem interested anymore. Anyway – here are a few husband comments from today’s post:

On a regular basis I hear about wives who –

Haven’t made love to their husbands in months or even years.

Never initiate sex.

Consistently put ministry, children’s activities and other obligations above sex.

Easily get defensive when their husbands try to address their sexual intimacy struggles.

Are too tired for sex, but not too tired to watch Grey’s Anatomy, the Bachelor or Extreme Makeover.

Regularly refuse their husband’s initiations for sex, but then vilify him when he is easily tempted by outside sexual stimulation.

Seem to be only “going through the motions” to get sex over with.

If we are honest, many of us have had similar thoughts over the years. Sexual intimacy remains one of the top frustrations of men in marriage. While there is no instant answer, and no pat answer for every situation, I am convinced that the Creator of sex, and intimacy, has not left us to ourselves to figure it out. While this could be a multi-part post, or even the subject matter for an entire blog site – I want to take the space to make a couple of points that I feel are significant based on the husbands I meet with and have counseled over the last years.

1. God created your wife with much different sex needs than you. She has no physical need for regular sexual release, and does not feel the same need for it. That is why she can say very honestly that she enjoys sex when it happens, but just doesn’t think about it. Such a foreign concept to us. She does, however, feel the need for regular “emotional connection”  with you to the same degree (another foreign concept). She needs that intimacy every bit as much as you need yours.

2. She has no “pop-up” blocker that can turn off the multitude of “screens” playing in her head at any one point in time. Because of her relational and emotional wiring, she is always thinking about (and concerned about) family, finances, home chores, relatives, birthdays, special events, school, health, friends, you name it – the list seems almost endless. Believe it or not, you are on the list. Most wives would say that you are on the top of the list. Amazingly though, that doesn’t automatically equate to sex. She can’t simply turn off all those concerns and instantly desire to rip your clothes off on the way up the stairs. We, as you well know – can.

3. Most wives don’t experience fulfilling sex. According to the 2010 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, only 30% of wives experience regular orgasm during sex, compared to over 85% of husbands. Reason? Most likely thousands of them, but my guess is that this is most caused by selfish or ignorant husbands. It is much easier for us to achieve satisfaction during sex, and it is hard work to place our wife’s need for connection and romance ahead of our need for satisfaction. This requires a more deliberate, and unselfish approach to sex.

The Bible tell us the secret to an exciting sex life with our wives:

I Corinthians 7:33–  but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife

Philippians 2:3-4 – Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

Ephesians 5:28 – In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

You have heard the old cliché, “Sex begins in the kitchen”. God calls us (and commands us) to love our wife as Christ loved the church and give ourselves up on her behalf. We are to regard her as more important than ourself, and make pleasing her our #1 earthly priority.

If we obey God in this, He will make sure our own needs, including our sexual needs, are met. A wife who is loved, pleased, nourished and cherished like this will find it much easier to make pleasing her man a top priority. Instead of blaming her for our sexual frustration, we should blame ourselves for not loving her as we should. Love her. Pray for and with her, and trust God with your sexual intimacy needs.

Philippians 4:19
And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Huz

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About Rob

Married to my high school sweetheart for 40 years. Blessed to be a frequent speaker at marriage and men's conferences, retreats and seminars. Author of 4 books on marriage. Check out resources at allinmariage.org.

4 responses to “Intimacy Secrets?

  1. Michelle M

    I want to agree with “A Wait”‘s comment as well. I need it, want it. crave it from my husband! But I realize it may not be the majority. I really feel that some people aren’t educated enough about sex or realize how much it is needed in a marriage. I had a friend once tell me that sex was for the man, not her which is so incorrect. Sex should be talked about even before people are married…at least a healthy understanding. I grew up sheltered in a Christian bubble, i had to go find reading material to learn! Christian young people/adults need to be taught about more than “true love waits”, we need to understand the biology of our bodies, the desires, urges and hormones that go on so we aren’t so clueless. Anyways, that’s my rant! 🙂

    Also, “Brian”, I am on the pill and it does cut down my drive quite a bit. Unfortunately I don’t have much choice but to be on it as I need it for more than just birth control (the hormones in the pill help with a syndrome I have – PCOS).

    This is a great website I just stumbled across and will be showing it to my husband to read as well! 😀 Thank you, I am always looking for advice from those who have been married a long time.

  2. Brian

    I’m wondering how much the pill has influenced our perceptions about women’s sexual desire. It is well documented that the pill can greatly diminish many women’s sex drive. But I don’t know if that has been adequately factored into our discussions about women’s sex drive. I’d be interested in hearing from women who have experience without hormonal birth control.

  3. A Walt

    I am sorry, but your assumption that women have no “physical” need for sex is completely wrong! I do think about it and find it very very important!!

    • Thanks for the great comment. As you will no doubt agree, far more wives have a lower need for sex than their husbands, but many have as great a need or higher. This comment was a generality based on research and advisory experience. I will make the point better next time that many wives feel like you do. Thanks again for writing.

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